We’ve all met them. They are everywhere. Both the left and the right have annoying political extremists that make it impossible to get anything done in this country. Today we will discuss the top 12 most irritating of the group.
1. The Q-Anon Type
We all know these types. They live in a fantasy world where some political god is always there to save them from the evil fairytale monsters of the world, which seem to change every week. It does not matter if it’s proven wrong, they will come up with a new tale to replace the old one in no time. This is what happens when one denies all reality to make oneself feel important because regular life is hard to except. This is understandable if the subjects discussed here were children dealing with bedtimes and school problems, but these are full grown adults dealing with global pandemics and Ukraine. It’s a whole different ballgame, and none of these types know how to play.
2. The Liberal Conspiracy Theorist
I know about this particular disease personally, as it infected one of my family members. In fact, I've already written about it on this blog. They use words like “neo-con,” even if they aren’t quite sure what it means. Everything is somehow a conspiracy propagated by the Republican Party to turn us into a dictatorship. Obsessed with the news, they will waste their days away staring at CNN as if it’s going to save them from the Terror of the Elephant. Like the Q-Anoners on the right, their grasp on reality is tenuous at best, but they are much more fearful than their conservative counterparts. And much more naïve.
3. The Old Guard White Man
Yes, we’ve all seen them. These stuck up rich dudes with their hands in the till. We are, of course, talking about men like Mitch McConnell and the infamous Koch brothers. They regard themselves as superior to everyone else, especially women and minorities. These slimy, gray-haired bastards flaunt their power to maintain the status quo, even when it stops working and is grossly outdated at this point. Yes, these are our twenty-first century politicians who are still living in the McCarthy era. Their stubborn ways have become so steeped that they are annoying their own party, breeding people like Q-Anoners and those sophomoric assholes that have become so common in the Republican Party today.
4. The Pseudo-Liberal
This is the Democratic version of the man discussed above, though he holds a lot less power and thinks he’s better than said old white men. He says he’s for women’s rights, but he still views women as sex objects and babymakers. He puts down any powerful female politician who comes down the pipe, and the stronger they are, the more they are attacked. Though he thinks he’s not racist, he looks down his nose at non-whites and speaks of them in inferior terms. And he’s fine with changes as long as they don’t effect his white male status quo. In reality, he’s a hypocrite who simply says the things he thinks will be accepted, and he’s really just another part of the old guard.
5. The Christian Fundamentalist
Yes, we had to talk about this one. Though they often overlap with the old guard, this group also includes women. These people are taught from childhood to obey the church authorities without question, following the letter of the Bible but not the spirit. They can’t take a dump without praying first and have views nearly as fruity as Q-Anon, only their conspiracy theories always somehow involve satanists. Everything they don’t like is blamed on the mythical Devil, in fact. Like others of their kind, they like to step on women’s rights and wish to return to the traditional Christian patriarchal society. Preaching fear and threats to get what they want, they are some of the biggest hypocrites of conservative extremism.
6. The Religious Atheist
Yes, you read this correctly. When atheism becomes faith, it loses all its meaning. These are the people who follow science as if it’s written in stone, which is not how science works. Any questioning of science is considered “fairytale nonsense” and “superstition,” despite the fact that science is about questioning and exploring in the first place. Humans are considered the most important things on the planet and they are willing to sacrifice anything else in the Earth’s ecosystem to further human causes. Very bigoted, these stuck-up jackasses are always making fun of followers of other religions rather than being mature adults. They have one accepted narrow viewpoint and will not deviate even if evidence proves their beliefs wrong.
7. The Sophomoric Showman
Or show woman, in the case of Marjorie Taylor Green. These are the Republicans who draw as much attention to themselves as possible by saying and doing the most outrageous things they can think of, even if said action actually gets them in trouble. They are more likely to insult a detractor than consider their viewpoint or talk to them. Childish, radical, and rude, they don’t care how destructive they are as long as everyone is looking at them. Our earliest prototype is probably Newt Gingrich back in the nineties, but even worse ones have been bred in the twenty-first century.
8. The Climate Change “Believer”
Like the sophomoric showmen on the other side of the spectrum, facts are not as important as the attention these idiots get. They parrot terms like gospel and hurl insults at anyone they perceive as “deniers” rather than trying to share any real knowledge on the topic. Of course, their facts are inaccurate, often outdated, and usually pulled from some movie star or ex-politician rather than a scientist. These people actually make it harder for said scientists and other authorities charged with dealing with climate change because of their fruitcake antics. They operate on blind fear instead of logic and grow angry with anyone who tries to reason with them. My degree speciality is climate and I have been lectured by one of these morons, where I picked out at least twelve errors in her rabid, spitting recitation. As someone in the field of climate science, I can say with all certainty that I hate these people with a passion.
9. The Good Conservative Girl
We have to talk about her. You may think of the bubble-headed bleach blond on Fox News, but these pests have also invaded politics. These are the Sarah Palins and Michele Bachmans of the world. Always obedient to their men, they are usually there as eye candy and nothing more, because they are so incredibly stupid they have nothing constructive to add to the narrative. Still “girls” in their forties and fifties, they say some of the dumbest shit and somehow get away with it. These ladies are caddy, nasty, and did I mention stupid? Anyone remember the time Michele Bachman said she got her husband’s permission before running for president? These are the women extreme conservatives encourage.
10. The Soccer Mom Feminist
Many of them are too old to be soccer moms now, but they were at one point. They voted for Hilary Rodham Clinton and Elizabeth Warren for no other reason except their gender and similar age. Though they say they are for women’s rights, they are very sexist toward their own gender. A woman’s opinion doesn’t count unless she’s a mother, and it seems to be the only issue that matters to these ladies. They are also the type who raise their girls to be meek and helpless because they tell them they need to live in fear rather than independence. Rude, awful people, they erode women’s status almost as badly as a conservative fundamentalist Christian.
11. The Rich Entertainer
These are the recording artists, comedians, athletes, and other obnoxious celebrity advocates of the Republican Party, particularly of the sophomoric showmen. They don’t give a shit what’s going on outside their isolated little world of money and bling. Mostly male, they advocate for awful people to maintain their rich and famous lifestyles, and to hell with anyone else. None of them realize that they are puppets, tools to try to persuade voters to cast their ballots for the conservative assholes who keep kicking everything down. Or maybe they do know, they just don’t care depending on the size of their campaigning check.
12. The Out-of-Touch Entertainer
Just as dumb as the conservative rich entertainers, these people have no idea what’s going on and can’t fathom the lives of the non-wealthy. They often tout lifestyles that are impossible for the average person to maintain, saying it’s more “Earth friendly” and admonishing anyone who doesn’t practice. Many are extreme vegans and are very smug about it, tout PETA despite their questionable reputation with animals (what was that I said about the size of the check?), and are some of the worst “believers” on the planet. When it comes down to it, they are no different from the Republican entertainers discussed above, they are just more naive.
Some of these categories overlap. The Christian fundamentalist is often also an old guard white man or a good conservative girl. Climate change “believers” frequently also fall into the soccer mom feminist or out-of-touch entertainer categories. But whatever classification they fall into, we can all agree they are annoying. It’s these people who have ruined both the Democratic and Republican Parties, forcing us to, as South Park puts it, choose between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. It’s mostly our fault, too. We vote these people in during the primaries, we encourage the behavior of the extremists and give them way more attention than they deserve. I suppose it's kind of like class elections back in high school, only the awful people seem to make it. Do we really want to keep doing this?